Learn and learn and learn and learn and die

Maybe my new favorite month is December. Or maybe my life is finally coming back together from being in a thousand pieces for the better part of 2009.

My husband and I have been up-and-down, up-and-down for the past few weeks. We've been mostly down, though. He's been absent; when he was around, he was irritable and disrespectful and inconsiderate. I've been grouchy, disrespectful, and unforgiving. We've talked for hours and hours, going back and forth trying to solve these problems. It turns out that the answer is just---do it. It is as easy as wishing. I wished he'd act like he loved me. He wished I'd act like I love him. We love each other, so why not just do it? I don't know why it took us so long to come to this conclusion, but we finally made it to where we are now. He said he'd want to be around me more if I was just happier. I'd be happier if he would want to be around me more. Ok, cycles are never ending. So, we just need to try to make each other happy from now on. Duh, isn't that what marriage is? Wow. Sometimes we can be really slow.

Anyway, I've been trying to decide what makes me happy. I always find myself wandering over to the crafting aisle in stores. So, I made a stop at JoAnne's Fabrics. I bought some silly wood fill ornaments for 49 cents each, some vanilla paint, and some glitter paint. No, I guess I don't have to be creating a beautiful piece of literature to be "creating" and happy. It felt so good just to sit and paint those wooden stars (and a bone for my dog-brother). I wonder why doing something like that makes me feel so much better. I sat at my desk all day today drawing. I never really had an interest in drawing because it took too much patience. I think I look for an end result instead of enjoying things a lot of the time.

That is another thing that I am learning - to enjoy the process. Life is not about getting through it. I might be letting you all in on a little secret here, but that's okay. In Star Trek: The Next Generation Elementary, Dear Data, Data learns that the fun of the holodeck program of Sherlock Holmes mysteries is not about getting the mystery solved but about solving the mystery. I don't have to make something perfect and get to the end just to get to the end. That would make doing the activity pointless. Drawing a picture, painting an ornament, crocheting a blanket--all pointless if you don't enjoy the process. I didn't have a daughter so that she could move out and have her own kids. I had a daughter so that I could be with her every day, teach her to talk and walk and stop hitting, and love and be.

I know that this all sounds very...elementary (pardon), but this is an enormous step for me. Maybe I am old to be asking myself "why?" instead of "to what end?" At least I got here though. At least I AM here for now. I'm learning a lot these days.

I said it at the beginning of this year and several times since then, and I know that I will say it before the year ends and then for the rest of my life. This year, 2009, will be/is/has been/was the hardest but best year yet. Now, maybe I'll have better years; I surely hope and believe that each year gets better. All of the pain and fear and frustration that made up 2009 will be worth the lessons I am finally learning in month 12.

Now, I'm going to make these ornaments a little more gaudy and read one of the books in my never-ending library.

I am happy.
I love.
I keep going.
I am even peaceful.

Don't open an umbrella in the house.

Seeing out of a hole that you're stuck in is pretty difficult. Sometimes, you just have to wait for someone to come along and point out some foot holds. While, I'm a bit to heavy and have too much baggage for anyone to pull me out, I appreciate the heads up every now and then. An e-friend of mine, Julie, is doing a photo-a-day project and posted a photo along with a quote (she always finds such fitting quotes) by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: "The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain."

I started to think about what we do when the literal rain comes. We dress appropriately, grab an umbrella, and go about our days. It really shouldn't be any different with proverbial rain. We should prepare with what we have and just let it rain and keep going. There really isn't much else we can do.

I really can't beat myself up for suffering and having a hard time lately. It doesn't help. I will do everything I can to protect myself from getting my head wet, but I really can't do a lot to keep from getting my pants wet up to the calves. It happens. I didn't cause it to rain, so I can't make it stop.

Train of thought

watching A sleep is hilarious
She just tosses herself around
Fwop on her belly, butt way up in the air
Not too long ago...like two months, these pajamas were too big. Now, she is pushing it in them. I can see her belly.
She just scratched her elbow
Oh gosh. She is amazing
She scratched her own elbow in her sleep. That means something itched, she recognized it, realized what needed to be done and did it with her eyes closed
The same girl that velociraptored her head around for a bottle
I am awed

Okay, so I didn't win the lottery like I said I was going to do. That's all right though. I've started this new conversational blog and maybe some good growth will come of that.

As a little family, we've found something new to place our hope in like we always do. I feel so stupid for hoping because I keep getting disappointed. We place hope in things and feelings and opportunities, Nobel prize winning presidents, situations, and luck. All of this hope makes me wonder about the origin of hope. Does it spring from faith or does faith grow out of hope?

Origin aside, does hope benefit the hopeful? I will be the first to admit that hope feels good. Imagining a better life with a moderately nice house and fewer bills and less worry is fun for the duration of the fantasy. But does fantasizing make disappointment worse when it (seemingly) inevitably comes along? If we didn't fantasize would we be less upset by bad news?

What do you think?

Today, I bought my very first lottery ticket. I figured, the worst thing that can happen is I won't win.

When I win, I am going to:

1. Give two million dollars to my parents.
2. Give two million dollars to my in-laws.
3. Pay off Russell's education/equipment/business license.
4. Pay off student ALL debts (car, hospital, student loans, personal loans).
5. Buy a house in my grandparents' neighborhood.
6. Get rid of our cars and get a new Toyota Matrix for me - black, and whatever car Luke wants.
7. Get the heck away from Dish Network as an employer (I'll still totally have it for TV service).
8. Get rid of this crappy Blackberry and get an iPhone or Google phone or something.
9. Put a half of the remainder in an account(s) for Amelia's college and whatever else.
10. Live off of the other half.
11. Take cake decorating classes.
12. Join a yarn crafts group.
13. Maybe even start a yarny store in Beckley or just hang out at Zazzy's/A Likely Yarn in Abingdon a lot.
14. Take my mom and brother and Uncle DJ and in-laws on amazing vacations to anywhere they want.
15. Go to the holocaust museum.
16. Build a swing and a slide in a room in our house for Amelia (and me).
17. Take Naarah to the vet.
18. Take really good care of my grandparents and Luke's Papaw and Doris.

And stop crying and wishing for the end of days and hoping that my belief in an afterlife is a waste.