Learn and learn and learn and learn and die

Maybe my new favorite month is December. Or maybe my life is finally coming back together from being in a thousand pieces for the better part of 2009.

My husband and I have been up-and-down, up-and-down for the past few weeks. We've been mostly down, though. He's been absent; when he was around, he was irritable and disrespectful and inconsiderate. I've been grouchy, disrespectful, and unforgiving. We've talked for hours and hours, going back and forth trying to solve these problems. It turns out that the answer is just---do it. It is as easy as wishing. I wished he'd act like he loved me. He wished I'd act like I love him. We love each other, so why not just do it? I don't know why it took us so long to come to this conclusion, but we finally made it to where we are now. He said he'd want to be around me more if I was just happier. I'd be happier if he would want to be around me more. Ok, cycles are never ending. So, we just need to try to make each other happy from now on. Duh, isn't that what marriage is? Wow. Sometimes we can be really slow.

Anyway, I've been trying to decide what makes me happy. I always find myself wandering over to the crafting aisle in stores. So, I made a stop at JoAnne's Fabrics. I bought some silly wood fill ornaments for 49 cents each, some vanilla paint, and some glitter paint. No, I guess I don't have to be creating a beautiful piece of literature to be "creating" and happy. It felt so good just to sit and paint those wooden stars (and a bone for my dog-brother). I wonder why doing something like that makes me feel so much better. I sat at my desk all day today drawing. I never really had an interest in drawing because it took too much patience. I think I look for an end result instead of enjoying things a lot of the time.

That is another thing that I am learning - to enjoy the process. Life is not about getting through it. I might be letting you all in on a little secret here, but that's okay. In Star Trek: The Next Generation Elementary, Dear Data, Data learns that the fun of the holodeck program of Sherlock Holmes mysteries is not about getting the mystery solved but about solving the mystery. I don't have to make something perfect and get to the end just to get to the end. That would make doing the activity pointless. Drawing a picture, painting an ornament, crocheting a blanket--all pointless if you don't enjoy the process. I didn't have a daughter so that she could move out and have her own kids. I had a daughter so that I could be with her every day, teach her to talk and walk and stop hitting, and love and be.

I know that this all sounds very...elementary (pardon), but this is an enormous step for me. Maybe I am old to be asking myself "why?" instead of "to what end?" At least I got here though. At least I AM here for now. I'm learning a lot these days.

I said it at the beginning of this year and several times since then, and I know that I will say it before the year ends and then for the rest of my life. This year, 2009, will be/is/has been/was the hardest but best year yet. Now, maybe I'll have better years; I surely hope and believe that each year gets better. All of the pain and fear and frustration that made up 2009 will be worth the lessons I am finally learning in month 12.

Now, I'm going to make these ornaments a little more gaudy and read one of the books in my never-ending library.

I am happy.
I love.
I keep going.
I am even peaceful.